Inspiration and a New Book

I finally seriously started writing the fourth book in The Event series.  I wrote a few pages back in October while waiting for a flight back form Dallas.  It was an odd trip ending with my Bengals getting thrashed by the Cowboys, but it was still a good trip.  Sitting in the airport, I wanted to be productive, so I started writing.  I did not really know what I wanted to do with the story though.  I had a concept, but I just could not find that magic theme that makes me want to tell the story.

Inspiration comes in a variety of forms.  It could be a song, something you witness, or someone in your life.  Timing has a massive effect on inspiration.  Back in October, I did not know what was going on in my life.  There were some good, and there was some really shitty.  Inspiration could have smacked me in the face with a shovel, and I doubt I would have even noticed.  Fast forward to June, and things seem a lot better.  The divorce, lawsuit, and job loss were out of the way, but I still had my struggles.  I wanted to start writing again, but with everything going on, I did not give it much thought.

This time, inspiration hit me in the face with a shovel, and I did pay attention.  So far, each book has had its own style and theme while keeping the characters in tact.  This book is no different.  Some of the characters will remain, but this story will focus on the mental fuckupedness (yes, I made up that word) caused by trauma, attempting to deal with that, and hoping to move past it.

I might not have every aspect planned out, but it is a story I want to tell, and I am excited to get underway.  Just like life, I do not know what is always going to happen, but I am thankful for the good times and the bad.  I am truly thankful for those who stick with me and those who are the inspirations that allow me to do this.

Building People Up

I do not get why people are so bent on tearing people down.  We all have enough to worry about.  We do not need to worry about making other people feel as shitty as we do.  No one knows someone else’s full story.  We all keep our secrets, something that is so embarrassing or hurtful that we would rather not relive it.  We all have pain that we have suppressed.  There are certain people that can easily exploit that.  We all have that one person that can rip our heart from our chest while it is still beating.

It is easy to become selfish.  It is easy to only want to do things that make us happy and to hell with everyone else.  We get that way because of the way people tear us down.  I might give into blissful ignorance, but I believe in building people up.  I want someone’s life to be better because of me, not worse.  Since we do not know someone else’s full story, one smile, one nice gesture, or one deserving, but unprovoked, compliment might just turn it around for a person on the brink of giving up.

If I care about you, you will definitely know it.  There will be nothing I will not do for you.  If you are a friend, I will go out of my way to help.  If I do not know you, I will treat you with the respect everyone deserves.  Even if I cannot stand the sight of you because you have wronged me so badly it has caused one of those hurtful moments I would rather not relive, I will still be civil.  It is too easy to tear people down.  It is much harder to help build someone up to help them repair the foundation that so many would rather erode away and destroy.  My parents said I always did things the hard way.  In this case, it is also the right way.

Rivers Cried

I saw a meme last week that stated if duels came back, a lot less people would be offended.  I am sure people have been offended by all kinds of things for a long, long time.  The big difference is that people now think that them being offended matters to everyone else.  It doesn’t.  For some reason, we have given people a protection to voice their offendedness (yes, I made up that word).  It does not matter what it is, if you disagree with someone, you are a racist, bigot, homophobic, evil, or a combination of any number of things.  I guess I am a homophobic racist because I do not agree with someone that the sky is the color gold.  Here is a revelation for everyone: it does not matter what you believe.  It only matters what is.

There are some grey areas.  Things like politics and religion can rarely be proven.  Believing maybe all that there is; however, your belief does not outrank someone else just because you believe it.  Wars have been fought for thousands of years based on that.  For everyone who cries a river just because someone does not believe the same way you do, get over yourselves!  You are being a selfish narcissistic asshole that no one wants to hang out with.  Why do you even give a shit about what I think?  You shouldn’t!  At the very most, you should hear someone else’s opinion just to see how they think.  Analyze it if you want.  Accept or dismiss it.  Getting upset because I am a foul-mouthed, whiskey-drinking, gun-toting, Christian (granted, not a very good one), does not do anyone any good. I don’t care if you are upset by it.  I will continue walking down the street swearing with a (legally permitted) gun in my pocket not giving two shits whether you believe the same way I do.  I will not yell at you for what you believe because I do not care what you believe.  Why you care about what I think is beyond me, but then again, I don’t give a fuck.

Reflections

Any parent how has a child with any type of disability, I understand.  It as taken me almost 12 years to step back realize some things.

Nothing helps with the reflection process more than feeling like shit, laying on the count, and on several cold medicines that probably should not be taken together while watching a show that sometimes entertains you but annoying the living shit out of you at the same time.  My life is far from normal.  It is not the best, nor is it the worst.

I thought getting married, having a good job, and having kids was the pinnacle of achievements in life.  Fast forward a decade and a half, and I am divorced, my good-paying job eliminated, and I do still have two sons in the teenage years (one is close, but might as well be a teenager).  My rosy picture of life that I had in my early 20s was jumped, stabbed, shot, and so jaded it is afraid of the sunshine.  I have been threatened, sued, stolen from, taken advantage of, etc, but for all the sins committed against me, I have committed my own.

Watching my youngest son almost die multiple times starting from (literally) day one had an undeniable effect me and my relationships with everyone.  Today, he is a happy kid, but he still struggles.  He still has a long way to go.  There are somethings I can do, but I am helpless in many areas.  When they days go great, I am ready to tackle anything.  Every so often, there are days where I don’t want to feel the pain anymore, no clue how I will pick myself up off the floor.

To close this, I will tell of an experience at a Trans-Siberian Orchestra (TSO) concerted several years back.  They change up the stories every few years.  That year was the first time for this story.  I was not too sure what I was going to think, but it has forever made an impact.  The story is essentially about a man who had a son born with some developmental disabilities.  I cannot remember, but I think the mother died in labor.  Scared, and unable to cope with this son’s disabilities, he left him at an orphanage.  His soul became tortured, hating Christmas and how happy people were.  Throughout the show, something changed in this man.  He found himself at the orphanage where he left his son.  He saw his grown son taking care of babies who were left just like he was.  This song (below) is what they played at that part.  I hardly every shed tears, but this song gets me every single time.  The show reminds me of my son.  It reminds me that I have never given up.  It reminds me there is a long way to go.  Taking care of a child with disabilities, I put my life on hold.  I became numb, and I stopped feeling.  It has been difficult to let the walls crumble.  Feeling is scary, and it hurts.  This story was not about the child.  It was about the father, and the long road to realization, acceptance, and forgiveness.  This line hurts, but inspires.  “Could you be this old, and have your life just begin.”

It’s Life People

I read (and shared) a meme that said, “Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them.  They smile and call you something even more offensive.”  I have several real friends like this.  When something is said that is just simply untopable, the response is usually, “Shit, that’s brutal, but funny!”

Why are people getting so butt hurt over things that have nothing to do with them?  Shit, these days, if you have an opinion that someone doesn’t share, they go cry, protest, and incite violence.  Why?  Are these people so emotionally invested in an off-the-wall topic that they feel betrayed by people they don’t even know?   Some people will cry, go on hunger strikes, and riot (violence is violence regardless of the weapons used) just because a political figure does not stand on their side.  There are over 7 billion people on this planet.  If you expect even half of these people to get along, you are dumber than a box of rocks in the trash.

People have been killing each other for the dumbest of reasons since the beginning of recorded history.  We are still doing it.  Those who claim to be “enlightened” are rarely even close.  If you are offended because someone does not share your view, there is probably someone who is offended you do not share theirs.  There should be debate about topics without throwing emotion and personal attack into the mix.  This is life people!  Grow up!  No one really gives a shit about your opinions.  No one really gives a shit about mine!  Do I care?  No!  Am I going to get hurt because of it?  No!  Am I going to incite violence and cry like I did the first time I smashed my thumb with a hammer?  No!  Will I give my opinion anyways?  Fuck yeah, I will!  You do not have to like me (or my opinions), but you will know how I feel.  If you do not want to talk to me after that, that is your issue, not mine.

Storms

It’s that time of year again where thunder storms roll through the night.  You can either fear them or enjoy them.  I tend to enjoy them; however, Will usually does not like storms at all.  Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, I was awoken by the brightest flash that pierced through my eyelids, quickly followed by a deafening clash of thunder.  I spent the next few moment lying in bed waiting for a meltdown only a parent of a developmentally disabled or autistic child would know.  Nothing.  Maybe the storm literally scared Will to death.  Extremely unlikely.  Maybe he slept through it.  Again, unlikely.  I decided the best course of action was to do nothing.  If I checked on him, it might trigger the meltdown I was expecting to happen.

When he woke me up to help get him off the potty, he asked me if I heard that really loud thunder last night.  I, of course, said I had.  He asked me what time it was.  I couldn’t tell him an exact time.  He then states, “It wasn’t that scary this time.  Maybe it was a dream instead.”  I was shocked!  In a year, he has grown up so much; matured so much.  There was no need to hover over him like a worried parent during this storm.  He had it covered, and he was very confident about it.

One of the hardest things for a parent is to walk that fine line of helping and letting children figure things out on their own.  I also have a typical son who is a couple of years older.  Children can sometimes act like the dumbest of creatures Darwin would have assumed doomed.  How can this child possibly do this complex task when I have to tell him to put down a bag in order to be able to open up a door?  Then, out of nowhere, children will surprise you by doing something so out of character you wonder if you are dreaming or dead.

Storms come and go just as special moments in our lives do.  One of the most satisfying moments in a parent’s life is knowing that your child has this; that he/she can do this without help.  We still want to help because we are parents, but in some cases, the best help is not helping at all.

Happiness?

It has been a while since I have posted anything here.  I have been both busy and lazy.  During this time, a question kept nagging me.  What is happiness, and why aren’t we always happy?  That is a questions I have struggled with over the last year.

First off, what is happiness?  Is it a state or a decision?  Can you be happy and still have other emotions that might be considered negative?  I think the answer to all of those is yes.  Happiness is a state of being where you are at least content with where you are at.  Sometimes, it is a decision to be happy.  Many people say, “fake it until you make it,” but the problem with that is you start believing you are happy when you really are not.  This causes people to settle for things in life that make them unhappy.

So, why are we not all happy  all of the time?  Life.  I have been divorced, lost my job, and sued in a short manner of time.  No matter what, I always looked at the positives.  These life events made me realized a few things.  I was not happily married.  I found myself angry and upset most of the time at home.  That job I was eliminated from?  I hated it.  I only stayed there because they paid me too much to do very little actual work, but the job and culture turned toxic years ago.  The lawsuit?  Well, that was not really my fault, but that is the reason I carry insurance.

What does all of this prove?  Probably nothing, but to me it proves that bad things happen in life.  Sometimes, just sometimes, it makes you realize you were not happy after all, and it shows you why not.  From there, you can do things that make you happy and not repeat the mistakes of the past.  Working for myself might not pay as well, but I do not have to worry about coat-riding fucktards that get all of the credit for work they never did while I get told to do less work so some foreigner can take my job.  I might not be in the best place and really happy yet, but I am in a much better place than I was last year.  I’ll take it.

Whiny-ass Bitches

No!  I am not talking about women.  This has nothing to do with females, but rather, the cry-baby generation, my generation and younger.  I am not a “free to be you and me” kind of guy.  You do what you want, and I’ll do what I want.  I will not complain about your life style, and you better shut the fuck up about mine.  I do not give two shits if you’re white, black, gay, have six fingers on one hand, smarter than me, dumber than me, bigger than me, smaller than me, a democrat, a republican, have a bigger dick than me (good luck with that), have a job, don’t have a job, are rich, or are poor.  I don’t give two donkey-fuckin shit storms, but don’t go preaching to me about anything.  Don’t tell me I’m racist.  Don’t tell me I’m sexist.  Don’t tell me I’m rich or poor.  Don’t tell me anything.  It’s okay if you call me an asshole.  That is true.

After this election, people started rioting.  Why?  Your candidate lost?  I didn’t see anyone riot when Obama won (twice).  Obama was a young, egotistical asshole who was awesome at making speeches and making people believe he could change everything.  Only a complete idiot would believe him.  Boy, that sounds a lot like Trump with the exception of Trump is not nearly as good as making speeches.  Only a complete moron would believe a politician.  If you’re one of those morons, I am sorry.  Rioting in the streets is not going to change a damn thing.  All it is going to do is cost the government more money to fix all the shit you break.  You are harming local businesses.  Just because you don’t have a job, doesn’t mean it gives you the right to fuck with everyone else’s.  Quit being a whiny-ass bitch and do something that will benefit the world.  You are always yapping about climate change and unfair treatment of some sort of group.  Get off your lazy ass and do something about it.  Rioting in the streets and lighting cars on fire to protest a president who might not be as eco and liberal friendly is like trying to save the whales by draining the oceans.

It does not matter whether your candidate won or lost.  Every person I voted for (for president) lost until this year.  Yes, I have voted both democrat and republican.  You didn’t see me cry when Bush and Obama won.  If you want to have legitimate conversation about politics, good.  If you are going to cry and belittle anyone that does not believe your views even though you scream about free speech, go shut the fuck up and shove a bale of barbed wire in your ass because that is basically what you are doing to democracy when you scream but do not listen.  Lastly, Fuck you.  No one gives a shit about your opinion, just like no one gives a shit about mine.

Finally Over!

Thank the Sweet Lord Baby Jesus the elections are finally over!  I am not going to say anything about my political views; however, Trump was elected for the same reason Obama was…. the general public was fed up with the person currently in office.  McCain was too close to Bush.  Hillary was too close to Obama.  People are shocked.  I am not.  I was not surprised when Obama was elected, and I am not surprised with Trump.  The common person was fed up.  That is all folks!

Just Let It End Already!

I cannot wait for these elections to be over with.  We’re fucked no matter what.  This country has been turning to shit for a while.  Having said that, it is still the best country in the world.  A lot of it has to do with the uneducated youth of today.  And by “uneducated,” I do not mean school/college wise.  I know many people who have a PhD but are dumber than a box of rocks when it comes to reality.  When having conversations about Obamacare (before and after it was passed), I told people exactly what was going to happen.  Guess what?  I was right.  It wasn’t hard to figure out either.  I just applied logical common sense to a situation where people’s behaviors are predictable.  Having a son with disabilities, I had a stake in that law.  I wanted something to happen, but I knew the law, as passed (which law makers didn’t even read beforehand) was not going to be the savior people hoped.

This election is the same deal.  It does not matter who wins in regards to the world going to shit.  It’ll still get there, but it just might be how entertaining it is on the way.  Young people tend to go off emotion and what people say and what it means for them.  They do not look at the fact that all candidates lie, cheat, and steal to get what they want.  They do not see that candidates can make all the promises in the world, but in actuality, they do not have the power to enact such promises.  Sure, Hillary can say free college tuition, and that might make college students vote for her because they are dealing with debt, but they haven’t read how she will make that happen or if it is even possible.  Trump can say he’s going to build a wall or repeal Obamacare, and some people might vote for him because of that, but they have no clue how he’s going to do it.

The world is turning into a shit show.  There is nothing I can do about it, so I am just going to grab my lawn chair, a six-pack, and watch the shit burn while roasting hot dogs over the fires of Hell.