Superman’s an Asshole

I seriously do not understand the debate about fictional characters.  I have not seen the new Batman vs Superman movie, and I am not a comic book person.  It sort of makes me laugh when people get into heated arguments about whether Batman or Superman will win in a fight.  Personally, I like Batman.  He’s a real dude (in the fictional world) who has a lot of money, creates crazy things, and just knows how to kick some ass.  Superman is an asshole who kills prostitutes.

Now, I’m sure, everyone is like, “What a minute!” but let me explain.  First, Superman is either lazy or incredibly stupid.  With all of those super powers, he should be able to fix the entire world and eliminate every bad “thing” in about 25 minutes.  That is strike one, but that does not make him a prostitute killer.  When it comes down to it, Superman has the same basic needs as every other man, yet I never see him get intimate with anyone.  Like I said, I never read the comics, and I do not care to.  Sure, he can kiss Lois Lane, but I didn’t see them do anything.  He doesn’t have any other girlfriends.

So what do men do when they can’t get a girlfriend but have needs that need taken care of?  No, not that.  The answer is prostitutes.  Superman has an extremely large ego (because he’s an asshole).  He’s not going to rub one out.  His only problem is that he is so strong and powerful, he ends up breaking them.  He accidentally kills them in the heat of passion.  “Why is there no evidence?” you ask.  The answer is simple: he throws their bodies into the sun.  There is no evidence.

So, on one hand, you have a dude that can shoot lasers out his eyes, fly so fast he can reverse the rotation of Earth and reverse time, is impervious to everything but Kryptonite but cannot seem to manage a simple thing like keep the planet safe from people with far less powers, has an ego problem, is an asshole, kills prostitutes, and throws their remains in the sun.  On the other hand, you have a man’s man who doesn’t take shit from even people like Superman, can get the ladies, has some bucks, drives around in a bad-ass car with a fucking jet engine in the back, and can kick the shit out of almost anyone.

Hmmm… Yeah.  If I had to take one of them out partying, it’s gonna be Batman.  I do not need to lie to the police on what happened to 50 pounds of cocaine and 12 prostitutes when on the town with Superman.  Oh yeah… Superman does coke by the pound.