I have been told more than a few times in my life that I am playing with fire. It is never in the same arena as the last, but that is not the point. Why is it exciting to do something that might be considered wrong? Why does it intrigue me to walk so close to the line I am at risk of going over at the slightest of breezes? Am I trying to destroy my perception as someone who follows the rules? I did that more than my fair share when I was growing up. “Oh, he would never do something like that.” Nothing was every illegal or immoral, but it was a challenge to the preconceived notion of what should be. Maybe that is the true reason behind the recent tattoos, the Camaro purchase, and the Mohawk for the last two years.
Have you ever woken up from a dream and just asked yourself, WTF? I had one of those last night. This dream could have been two separate dreams. I am not sure. I had trouble getting to sleep (unusual as of late), and I woke up a dozen times through the night. I do not know where to begin, so I will not even attempt to figure it out here. There are WTF dreams that make me laugh. There are ones that make me cringe for a variety of reasons. Then, like this one, there are WTF dreams that have me spending twenty minutes lying there trying to figure out WTF made me have that particular dream. I used to be a lucid dreamer, but I found it boring to always know what will happen and be able to control it. I guess giving up that particular skill will provide more of these WTF dreams.
Is it a bad thing when you look forward to going back to work? I guess that depends on your work. It was a very busy weekend, none-the-less. Trying to expand the barn, the wife and I successfully put two twenty foot 6×6 posts in the ground. It isn’t perfect, but it will work. Another day, or maybe this weekend, the third post will go in. The oldest’s football game was today, and that took up six hours. In between waking up and going to sleep was filled with many tasks outside of the mentioned. Before Monday gets here, I think there is still enough time to drink some beer and watch some football.
I never really liked sleeping. As a kid, it just seemed to get in the way of fun things like watching TV or playing games. Even as an adult, I really do not like sleeping. I feel lazy and worthless just laying there sleeping. If I didn’t get tired or have to sleep, I wouldn’t. Now, that I can’t sleep for more than a few hours a night, it sucks. Feeling worthless because I was sleeping is a lot better than feeling worthless because I am worthless due to lack of sleep. I better get this figured out soon. It is going on a month and a half of utter shit sleep. I do not want to be one of those 50 year olds who look like they are 123 because they never slept.
I am caught in a conundrum. If I fail to plan things out, whatever I am doing turns into a big cluster. Putting together my youngest’s 3DS XL after ordering a new button. I start getting everything in only to realize I put the ribbons from the screen in the wrong order. I had to take everything out and start over. Hopefully, I plan it out better this time. On the other hand, if I plan out my day, something always comes up to turn my plans into a big cluster. It never fails. I am left sitting here scratching my head on whether to plan or not. Do I waste time in planning just to have it thrown in my face, or do I waste time doing a task over again because I didn’t see something obvious? I’ve got nothing…
So my last few days of posts have been rather melancholy. I hate that word, but I will use it anyways. My sleep schedule has sucked for well over a month. I used to have problems falling asleep, but now, I’m asleep pretty quickly. My issue now? I wake up between 3:00AM and 4:00AM every frickin morning. I do not know why. The really shit part is I cannot get back asleep very easily. I just lay there thinking. Thinking by itself is a dangerous task, but add that at 4:00AM, and I’m surprised it hasn’t started the Apocalypse. Nothing seems to help. Getting wasted, popping some Ambien CR, no stimulants after 3:00PM, and states of depression do not help. You know what? I’m going to be in a good mood today. I’m will end this on a brighter note cause negative people piss me off. I don’t want to piss myself off. It will be a nice, sunny day. I’m going to slip on the Oakleys, roll my sleeves up, and drive my Camaro. Hell yeah!
I do not mind if people see me physically in pain. I’ll limp on a broken foot. That does not mean I get the broken foot fixed (unless it is really bad) or use it as sympathy. Emotional pain? I refuse to let people see me in emotional pain. Emotional pain is much more difficult to fix. Don’t get me wrong, I will show emotion: anger, love, happiness, sadness. Those emotions are surface emotions that are often pressure relief valves for a deeper, underlying emotional pain. I know a broken bone will heal if it is not all jacked up. The pain I feel in my soul seems too deep to fully heal. I know a broken bone heals in weeks. I do not know when/if this will heal. I guess I will find out.
It is easy for me to admit to myself when I do a good job. I’ll try to play it off as a humble man, downplaying the significance or quality, but secretly, I will admit to myself it is good. I will even admit to myself and others when I have done poorly or royally hosed it up. Those are tasks, accomplishments, and items that require some type of physical input. The same cannot be said for thoughts, feelings, and emotional state. Knowing the truth, admitting the truth, and accepting the truth are all very different things. I might know something to be true, but I refuse to admit it. Or better yet, I’ll know the truth and admit it to myself, but I refuse to accept it or admit it to others. It really causes havoc when knowing, admitting, and accepting the truth can cause as much negativity as just keeping it all inside. What the hell do I do then? If you figure that out, let me know.
All disasters, big or small, have an impact financially. If your car gets totaled because of a not-at-fault accident, you will not get what you think you should to replace it. Going from a car that is almost paid off to another loan of $20,000 is a big impact. The same amount might still come out of your pay check, but that is another five years of loans you were not expecting. Having a sensor go out in a paid off vehicle is not as big of an impact, but a financial impact, none-the-less. Even small disasters that have little financial impact have an impact on stress, health, and beer intake. Pile a bunch of these on at once, and you get nickled and dimed to greater impacts.
You ever have the feeling that you just can’t take one more added stress? I am about to that point. Even the small things, while they don’t seem to bother me, I know cause unseen stress. I am so far behind on work around the house and at work, I’ll never catch up without spending a ton of money I do not have. Then, the small things, just make me curse. My youngest’s 3DS XL hinge snapped. I took the 3DS apart and epoxied the hinge. Good as new, right? I was putting it back together when the “B” button slipped out of my hand, bounced off a few things, and landed in the register, falling to the bottom shaft in the basement. Now, I can either spend $5 on a button pack, or go in the basement and take part the ducts, cutting myself to pieces, to retrieve the button. Nevermind… all that work is not worth $5.
That disaster is fixed with $5. Not everything else is so easy. More on that tomorrow.